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Ok, so we covered the topic of vibrators. Now for the opposite end of the spectrum: psychotic devices that people have clamped onto others’ nether regions in an attempt to stop the urge to wank.
As long as there have been horny people, there have been people trying to rain on their parade. Certain books say it’s not good to masturbate…and Puritanical people like your Grandma just thought it was nasty sinfulness. God knows grandparents don’t do that shit. Hell I hope they don’t do that. **shiver**
Anyway, these crazy people came up with increasingly evil tools in an attempt to make you never acknowledge your crotch again. We’re gonna showcase a few of my absolute favorites:
1) The Pear of Anguish
This is a complete HOLY SHIT type of thing. Medieval religious crazies came up with this crap. There were 3 different types of Pears. The oral Pear of Anguish for blasphemers, vaginal Pear of Anguish for wanton women or “witches who had slept with Satan”, and an anal Pear of Anguish for passive homosexuals. What was this pear, you ask?? Let me enlighten you:
They would insert that bad boy into whatever orifice offended them, and then turn the screw on top til it expanded to the desired amount. It rarely caused death, but it was generally used in conjunction with other torture. After they ripped you apart with this crap, they thought it would make you not ever want to touch yourself again. Darn straight, unless it was to stitch your junk back up.
2) The Timely Warning
I’m not going to sugar coat this. This was a ring that clamped onto the man’s junk. It had freaking TEETH. So if you got an erection, this damned thing was gonna bite the livin crap out of you. Mull that one over folks:
3) Chastity Belts: No one was safe!
Chastity belts were usually clamped onto someone to assure the purity of the wearer. Men would clamp that crap onto women when they went off to war or whatever…. craziness. The belt would be removed sometime in the future. They WORE this crap all the time. They used the bathroom while wearing these. I’m going to assume that the chastity belt is why Lysol was originally used as a damned douche. The smell…omg….
Look at those freaking TEETH!! Can you imagine trying to get past that?!
Just look at that thing!!!! Holy crap!!!!!!!! Can you imagine the chafing?!
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So I love antiquing and junking. I live in my grandmother’s old house, and one day my mother and I discovered a huge garbage pile in the back acres of the property. It was mostly old milk bottles and baby food jars. We found multiple Avon perfume bottles, and I also found a tiny Lysol bottle.
I had never seen one this small. My mother then proceeds to tell me a horrible story of Lysol’s original use. That shit was a douche.
A DOUCHE?! You’ve got to be kidding me…is it possible that something we use to clean the floors started out cleaning snatches? Surely this is some sick joke concocted by my mother’s deranged mind. Or is it?
I decided I had to figure this out. There was no way. So, a quick Google search led me to this:
Not only is that the most demeaning thing I’ve ever seen, it also confirms mom’s story. I don’t know if you can read it well, but it says that douching regularly will insure “feminine daintiness” and they promise “no greasy aftereffect.” Come to find out, when Lysol was first introduced in the 1920s, it was marketed as not only a feminine hygiene product, but also a form of birth control by way of douching.
HO-LY SH-IT. So now we know. How did it go from that to cleaning my floors???
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